Sunday, January 23, 2011
Official Blog of Lake Country Counselling moved
I'm blogging in too many places, so for those of you who have linked up to this blog, please visit our official Lake Country Counselling blog where you'll find current articles of interest on a wide variety of topics.
Friday, March 26, 2010
CODE WORD(S)
So you and your spouse have an issue that keeps coming up and often causes conflict. Problem is you both realize it's a hazard area in your marriage, but one or both of you finds yourself walking right into it, even unintentionally and there you go again - straight into conflict or hurt feelings. What can you do to avoid that?
Code Word(s). Have a talk about the issue when you are not in the heat of conflict. Say to your partner something like, "I know you don't intentionally do this, but when you do or say this or that, it makes me feel.......That usually leads to conflict in our relationship. To prevent that, I'm wondering if you would consider agreeing on a code word that I could say, when I feel that you are heading in that direction. When I say the code word, you know that you need to stop the behaviour or action immediately before it creates a problem. I would really appreciate it and feel like you respect me."
My husband and I recently escaped for a quiet weekend retreat. I have a habit of talking about work too much and becoming, let's say "obsessed" about it. I slip into it very easily, but it really bothers my husband and it often results in a intense debate. So we agreed to avoid talking about work for the weekend. Since I am the one who slips into the conversation without realizing it we agreed on the code word "take a break". Rather than my husband becoming upset or frustrated with me, which in and of itself can lead to argument, he agreed to calmly say "take a break" when I began a work related conversation. Sure enough, within the first few hours on our retreat, I began....so he said 'take a break' and I said "what?" Again he said "take a break" and then I got it, "oops, sorry" - we chuckled and changed the topic quickly. Worked like a charm! And the break from work was wonderful for both of us!
In my counseling service I encourage couples to be creative in their communication. A small step like this is a proactive solution for preventing unnecessary conflict.
Code Word(s). Have a talk about the issue when you are not in the heat of conflict. Say to your partner something like, "I know you don't intentionally do this, but when you do or say this or that, it makes me feel.......That usually leads to conflict in our relationship. To prevent that, I'm wondering if you would consider agreeing on a code word that I could say, when I feel that you are heading in that direction. When I say the code word, you know that you need to stop the behaviour or action immediately before it creates a problem. I would really appreciate it and feel like you respect me."
My husband and I recently escaped for a quiet weekend retreat. I have a habit of talking about work too much and becoming, let's say "obsessed" about it. I slip into it very easily, but it really bothers my husband and it often results in a intense debate. So we agreed to avoid talking about work for the weekend. Since I am the one who slips into the conversation without realizing it we agreed on the code word "take a break". Rather than my husband becoming upset or frustrated with me, which in and of itself can lead to argument, he agreed to calmly say "take a break" when I began a work related conversation. Sure enough, within the first few hours on our retreat, I began....so he said 'take a break' and I said "what?" Again he said "take a break" and then I got it, "oops, sorry" - we chuckled and changed the topic quickly. Worked like a charm! And the break from work was wonderful for both of us!
In my counseling service I encourage couples to be creative in their communication. A small step like this is a proactive solution for preventing unnecessary conflict.
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